badcareermove

I haven't update in an ass of a long time and I've told multiple people I would...
So here is a blog I posted on myspace.

"How hard is it to want to be in a good mood and then just be in a good mood?
That's all I have to say because it's a straight up fact, you control your emotions it's as simple as that."


Okay, all Scroobius Pip lyrical referencing aside, I think we could all benefit from simplifying our lives and being in a good mood as much as possible. But really, let us get real for a moment. Let's have some real talk, if you will. I can't speak for anyone but myself. But I will put it on the table right now; I get down and sad in bad moods. Furthermore, most of my time spent in this sort of mood is also spent pouting, brooding, and/or wallowing in self-pity. Of course something initially made me sad, that is a human emotion that everyone, except people such as Patrick Bateman, feels. But after this initial feeling, the negativity lingers and it's easier to pout, brood, wallow, whatever, than to just pick myself up and move on. The flaw in this behavior is that marinating in these emotions does not help ANYTHING. Has anyone had positive results in remedying their unhappiness by adding more unhappiness? I'm not, by any means, condoning masking emotions or ignoring true feelings of hurt or pain or what have you, more so I am advocating having a closer relationship with yourself. Close enough to realize when it is YOU that is perpetuating your unhappiness.

Which brings me to my next idea; we could all benefit also from taking responsibility for our actions. And not in the "Oh, you made a mess- clean it up" sense of the cliché, I mean really stepping back and asking ourselves what our part in any situation is instead of realizing the faults of others. I'm not suggesting that anyone go off blaming themselves for every problem in their life, but I do believe it is helpful to be aware and cognizant of how our actions affect the outcomes of certain situations. I say this because, ultimately, the only person we can change is ourselves. I can't make anyone else do something or make anyone else change their behavior. If there is a problem or something is wrong, I have to look to myself and realize what I have done and what I can now do to change things. There is no use in sitting around and worrying about what someone else should do differently; that is just time wasted that could've been spent making amends towards the original issue.

You have to create the atmosphere you seek in your life. Of course other variables get thrown in the mix; there are things out of my control, out of anyone's control, chemical imbalances, etc. But I think the Serenity Prayer (yes, the atheist just pulled out the Serenity Prayer) kind of sums up my feelings.

"God [Allah, Mom, Ra, Zeus, etc], grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"

And I'm sorry if all of this is old news to everyone else, but these ideas kind of hit me in the face today and I had to share them.They give me comfort, maybe y'all will get something out of them, too.

boys, man.
boys.

i need a haircut.

i am really tired of hearing about people getting fucked up.
i mean really, we all do it. all of us. i know you do, you know i do.
is that all we have to talk about?
and yes, this is about you, because it is about everyone.
thats all everyone i talk to wants to talk about.
i don't give a fuck, if thats all you have to say then just save it.
i'll stop if you stop.

it's raining really hard right now and i've got my window open.
it's nice.

still don't give a fuck

this is an awesome bagel




i love alana!!!!!!

i'm feelin good about things right now. my grades are good, i even got a 67 out of 70 on the college success test that i took when i was dying. but ms. wood did have to come help me since i didn't start until like the last 10 minute of class
"alright and you're going to put a 2 right there"
"...whyy?"

i don't give a FUCK



hahahaha i just like the way that sounds
and i don't!
so helllll yeah



drinkin blunts, smokin 40's

i'm getting into taking pictures again.. well i didn't have my camera for a month, so it might just be that







and yeah
thats it

just cause i like this essay a lot, well, for timed writing bullshit about some literature i hadn't really actually read, let alone "studied".

( the idea of self discovery in the literature we've studied thus far )

i'm grounded right now and i don't care. i don't really want to hang out with too many people.
and i could probably murder someone and still be allowed to see him. so i'm not too worried.
all my friends go to my school pretty much anyways.



i tied the regional record for the clean and jerk for my weight class and then i tied for first place.
im goin to state bitches!!

this is me exaaaaactly 3 years ago. LOL

what a day
dad
mom
daniel
bobby
fuck


man, i don't even know.
cryptic as a mother fucker.
i need to be back at school.

i just read back on my entries...and i would not be my friend if i read this hahaha. like wtf. all i do is whine or talk about how fucked up i am/was. well.
so it goes.


i don't like being at school, i turn into a huge dick whenever i walk through those doors. seriously, something about being in class makes me be a huge asshole. i don't like being rude and obnoxious, but without fail, i always end up that way.

but on the plus side...
there is no down side.
there is no positive or negative or pro or con or good news or bad news or upswing or downfall.
it just is. this isn't depressing and neither is anything else that happens.
it's all just the same, it's happening on the same plane and i'm okay with that.
it's just life and i'm done being "down" about things, because whats the use? it happens and then it's over and then something else happens, some of it gets resolved, it's all the same day and things are gonna be alright.

hey man it's my birthday this is me making a really cool post







jessica




this is me posting.
for you
it's really cool.

[12:53] loveexjtee: caity.. just want to get out of this class so i can push my hips into yours.
[12:53] comptonass caity: welll i don't want your dick up on my stomach if thats whats going down
[12:53] loveexjtee: .. i dont have a dick.
[12:53] comptonass caity: problem solved






this is why jessica and i make such a good couple

i know i deleted all the entries from the summer pretty much, but this one means a lot to me.
so i'm reposting it.
and basically if you need to know anything about me... you can learn it here.
reading this makes me smile.


this entry is really a bunch of texts, strung together, that were sent to alana last night. the onyl thing that has been changed is typos. here we go.

"oh my god when you close your eyes, everything you've ever liked or thought to be ideal has been brought to you and now you see, dude, you know. i'm typing to you on this thin cracker box of technology, but really it's so much more than that, which we know, but girl i know. it's too much perfect for my brain to hold almost but there is room now that i've emptied to you.

i feel completely other worldly, not like how people say "i was watching myself like a movie" i mean, wait, it is kind of like that. it's exactly like that. i feel like this big cardboard robot of sorts eating peach granola bars and having soft shampooed hair. this phone had better send this to you, i think he's trying to keep secrets.

if i don't pay attention my finger tips drift away like my nag champa does. the tips that scratch someone else's nose, caity mcdowell's nose, scratched by lone peach granola bar eating hand.

so then i wonder is it caity or is it the narrator who is sending these to you.

where are you? this is kind of like talking inside my mind, you just take all of this and put it in a filing cabinet in my mind warehouse, god you must have freetime.

this is how i'm seen by the world from the world, and it's not bad, i think i'll be okay with me. like physically, i like me, the product caity mcdowell, it'd buy it.

i'm glad you're here to like listen for now cause i need to let some ideas out to make room for the new ones, mannequin arms sent you this.

big foots hands typed this!

i hope when they find my face it's not all hollowed out like it feels hollowed out like this phone, which isn't even a phone really. i'm punching everything out onto this, i hope he doesn't have a memory of touch, or knowledge of who these words could harm. good thing this has no heart or brain, dumb phone, just as well as cardboard salami.

everything is so much better, i understand music, alana, mind, phone, whom it may concern fuckin bulllshit. i love it, music and lyrics goddddddddddddd dayumn i understand."

daniel and i are dating now and i'm wondering if im just biding my time

i know what i have to do, and you're reminding me only makes me hyper aware of how much i don't want to. this will be the hardest thing i have to do. after letting you go, sobriety will be the easiest thing in the world. is that even what i want?

i can't do anything lately, i don't know what i want so i don't know how to get there. i'm doing the bare minimum for school and i keep telling myself next semester i'll straighten up.
why the fuck
why next semester? why not right now? if i can't do it right now i doubt all of a sudden next semester i'm going to find a big vat of motivation.



i lost my mind with you, and i hope i can find it without you.